It's very easy for me to keep a "small world". By that, I mean, not truly living life... not socializing, seeing the world, or being true to myself. I used to use alcohol and drugs as an excuse and as a means of not allowing my world and my life to grow fully. Mostly this was due to my fear of truly becoming who I really am, acting out my life based on what I believe in and who I wish to be.
Well, despite years of work and sobriety, one thing that hasn't truly left me yet is that fear. I still keep a fairly small world, but the means for hiding out is no longer alcohol and drugs, therefore I can keep the appearance to the outside world of a full life while I hide away, playing video games, watching TV, staying at home with my wife and dog.
I've come up with plenty of excuses not to venture forth, despite the fact that I am one of the most social people I know... I really love people, love talking to them, getting to know them, and inviting them into my life, but I have hidden behind weight gain, work, and computer games to avoid having too many things to do. I'm always "too tired" or embarrassed of my weight to go do social things. The real reason: I have fear.
My wife and I recently began working with a personal trainer. I am beginning the work of removing all the excuses I have used to avoid living a full life. I have decided it is time to dive in, to shed my fear, to plunge the depths of who I truly am, and become that person and live that life. It is only then, when I am truly living, that I can truly call myself sober. I have much to do... I have so many behaviors to change! Constantly striving to become my truth is a worthy pursuit. I put it down for a long, long time, but it is time again to take up the yoke and plow ahead to a truer, better, fuller future. I am on the journey. I hope to meet you on the road!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
What Kind of Alcoholic Are You?
I am always amused and somewhat saddened when I hear people at AA meetings saying things like "That's just the kind of alcoholic I am." There are three truly deep seated problems with the line of thinking that this comment tips me off to. It's quite comical, but at the same time, dangerous to the individual and to the group to have this mentality.
First off, I think most people use the phrase because they've heard someone else use it before. That seems harmless enough, but one of the biggest dangers in AA is the tendency for people who are in a state of mental recovery process to become "Kool-Aid" drinkers, buying into the group-speak of AA and regurgitating things that others say rather than expressing themselves in their own words and, more importantly, having their own experience. Many people in AA can relate to each others' experiences, and thank goodness for that, but to begin to express your experience in the words and thoughts of others is a slippery slope. For example, what happens if someone you really relate to goes "off the wagon"?
A bit more damaging to the group of AA is the idea that there are somehow "brands" of alcoholism or special alcoholics. Alcoholism doesn't have sects, brands, or types... there is only one type of sloppy, needing-to-recover drunk. There are special PEOPLE who go to AA meetings to stay sober, but their alcoholism is no different than anyone's. The idea that somehow your behavior or characteristics make you some kind of special alcoholic is most certainly a close relative of the ideas that got you into the rooms to begin with... that need to be "special", "better than", or somehow apart from or above your fellows. Your behavior in life may set you apart from the rest, for better or for worse, but it's definitely not your disease.
Perhaps the most dangerous area this statement or line of thinking tips me off to is the idea of separation from the disease, that somehow your disease is "not you". "My disease is out to get me", some people say, or "My disease is doing pushups, just waiting for that day when I'm weak, it's just around the corner, and if I'm not careful, it's gonna get me!" This separation from the disease as though its somehow not a part of of a person's makeup, in some folks, enables them to engage in all kinds of non-sober behavior. If the disease is to blame, and not you personally, its OK to do things we have no business doing as sober people! Just blame it on your disease and you're home free! "It wasn't me that stole your lunch, it was my disease." Or "I had to cut that asshole off in traffic because I'm just that kind of alcoholic." Now, not everyone in AA does this, and not everyone who says these things uses their disease as an excuse to engage in non-sober behavior, but MANY do, and there is no reason to make it easier for them to do so, even if you personally "get it".
I try to be a good steward of my meetings and have struck this vernacular from my vocabulary. Even though some people may relate to it, there is a newbie out there who will not understand.
First off, I think most people use the phrase because they've heard someone else use it before. That seems harmless enough, but one of the biggest dangers in AA is the tendency for people who are in a state of mental recovery process to become "Kool-Aid" drinkers, buying into the group-speak of AA and regurgitating things that others say rather than expressing themselves in their own words and, more importantly, having their own experience. Many people in AA can relate to each others' experiences, and thank goodness for that, but to begin to express your experience in the words and thoughts of others is a slippery slope. For example, what happens if someone you really relate to goes "off the wagon"?
A bit more damaging to the group of AA is the idea that there are somehow "brands" of alcoholism or special alcoholics. Alcoholism doesn't have sects, brands, or types... there is only one type of sloppy, needing-to-recover drunk. There are special PEOPLE who go to AA meetings to stay sober, but their alcoholism is no different than anyone's. The idea that somehow your behavior or characteristics make you some kind of special alcoholic is most certainly a close relative of the ideas that got you into the rooms to begin with... that need to be "special", "better than", or somehow apart from or above your fellows. Your behavior in life may set you apart from the rest, for better or for worse, but it's definitely not your disease.
Perhaps the most dangerous area this statement or line of thinking tips me off to is the idea of separation from the disease, that somehow your disease is "not you". "My disease is out to get me", some people say, or "My disease is doing pushups, just waiting for that day when I'm weak, it's just around the corner, and if I'm not careful, it's gonna get me!" This separation from the disease as though its somehow not a part of of a person's makeup, in some folks, enables them to engage in all kinds of non-sober behavior. If the disease is to blame, and not you personally, its OK to do things we have no business doing as sober people! Just blame it on your disease and you're home free! "It wasn't me that stole your lunch, it was my disease." Or "I had to cut that asshole off in traffic because I'm just that kind of alcoholic." Now, not everyone in AA does this, and not everyone who says these things uses their disease as an excuse to engage in non-sober behavior, but MANY do, and there is no reason to make it easier for them to do so, even if you personally "get it".
I try to be a good steward of my meetings and have struck this vernacular from my vocabulary. Even though some people may relate to it, there is a newbie out there who will not understand.
Monday, July 20, 2009
What in the hell is the "Grace of God"?
Before I get started, let me say that I have absolutely nothing against those who use this term, or have this type of spiritual experience. That being said, this blog entry is probably not for you if you say this phrase in meetings.
I have heard this uttered so many times in sobriety it makes my head spin: "I am sober by the grace of God" and "but for the grace of God go I". What exactly does this mean? I've asked that question many times and still haven't heard an actual answer. Maybe an even better question is, "How is it supposed to help people get and/or stay sober?" Personally, I wouldn't know the grace of god if it got behind the wheel of a truck and ran me over.
Even asking the question "what exactly is the grace of god?" garners me some raised eyebrows; at best I get people who "feel sorry for me" and at worst, "don't worry, you can borrow my God" and the ever so belittling "I'll pray for you." One thing I never seem to get from anyone is a straight answer. I still think it's a legitimate question, and I certainly don't need to borrow your god or have you praying for me, thank you very much. I humbly ask you to lend your god and prayers to the people of the Swat Valley in Pakistan or to the children of Darfur; I am quite comfortable in comparison, with or without god's grace.
I've never been able to figure out why people insist on discussing a "god of their understanding" in a meeting of AA. It's a highly personal thing, and based on our individual understanding, there is a high likelihood that not too many people see the god phenomenon in the same way - and even if they do, it is not really a matter that should be open to public discourse. So why is it that the grace of god is so openly discussed at AA meetings? Am I missing out on something?
Another troubling practice that goes on in AA is the "prayer". We have the 3rd, 7th, and lord's prayer regularly recited at AA meetings. Why? Why is prayer included in meetings? It's another highly personal thing that everyone sees, and does, in their own personal way. Why do we insist on making a "show" of prayer? What do those prayers contribute to the meeting? I contend that they do more harm than good, as newcomers usually are looking to stop drinking, not to start praying.
None of these prayers or graces of gods has ever done a single thing for me in sobriety. The only thing that has worked well for me are the 12 steps, the principles outlined in them, and the practice of sharing my experience in working those steps with other alcoholics. Once you start mixing in complicated issues like god and prayer, the whole experience changes, and for me, not for the better.
My attitude about it all is vexing to me since this seems to bother me while most others see right past it or even participate in it. I know that it is a person/place/thing/situation beyond my control and as such, I must let it be, but still the words and worse, the feeling behind those words grates on me even after all these years of peace and serenity. The truth is, I gain so much from the rest of the program that I must (and do) overlook this nagging issue, but no matter how far over it I look, there it is.
I'm here to tell you, though, that I am sober by the grace of the 12 steps, worked diligently on a regular basis, and the principles that are outlined in them, and that is as spiritual as it gets.
I have heard this uttered so many times in sobriety it makes my head spin: "I am sober by the grace of God" and "but for the grace of God go I". What exactly does this mean? I've asked that question many times and still haven't heard an actual answer. Maybe an even better question is, "How is it supposed to help people get and/or stay sober?" Personally, I wouldn't know the grace of god if it got behind the wheel of a truck and ran me over.
Even asking the question "what exactly is the grace of god?" garners me some raised eyebrows; at best I get people who "feel sorry for me" and at worst, "don't worry, you can borrow my God" and the ever so belittling "I'll pray for you." One thing I never seem to get from anyone is a straight answer. I still think it's a legitimate question, and I certainly don't need to borrow your god or have you praying for me, thank you very much. I humbly ask you to lend your god and prayers to the people of the Swat Valley in Pakistan or to the children of Darfur; I am quite comfortable in comparison, with or without god's grace.
I've never been able to figure out why people insist on discussing a "god of their understanding" in a meeting of AA. It's a highly personal thing, and based on our individual understanding, there is a high likelihood that not too many people see the god phenomenon in the same way - and even if they do, it is not really a matter that should be open to public discourse. So why is it that the grace of god is so openly discussed at AA meetings? Am I missing out on something?
Another troubling practice that goes on in AA is the "prayer". We have the 3rd, 7th, and lord's prayer regularly recited at AA meetings. Why? Why is prayer included in meetings? It's another highly personal thing that everyone sees, and does, in their own personal way. Why do we insist on making a "show" of prayer? What do those prayers contribute to the meeting? I contend that they do more harm than good, as newcomers usually are looking to stop drinking, not to start praying.
None of these prayers or graces of gods has ever done a single thing for me in sobriety. The only thing that has worked well for me are the 12 steps, the principles outlined in them, and the practice of sharing my experience in working those steps with other alcoholics. Once you start mixing in complicated issues like god and prayer, the whole experience changes, and for me, not for the better.
My attitude about it all is vexing to me since this seems to bother me while most others see right past it or even participate in it. I know that it is a person/place/thing/situation beyond my control and as such, I must let it be, but still the words and worse, the feeling behind those words grates on me even after all these years of peace and serenity. The truth is, I gain so much from the rest of the program that I must (and do) overlook this nagging issue, but no matter how far over it I look, there it is.
I'm here to tell you, though, that I am sober by the grace of the 12 steps, worked diligently on a regular basis, and the principles that are outlined in them, and that is as spiritual as it gets.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Spiritual Think Tanks - A Sober "Must Have"
Since I started this spiritual experience, there have been a few constants. Steps and the spiritual principles, I'd say, are the framework of my sobriety. However, the most important constant has been the trusted advisers I have garnered for my spiritual think tank.
The key here has been allowing these people to get to know me well enough to help me see my own truth. Number One is my wife - she knows me so well, that when I stray off the spiritual path, she's the first to see it. "That's not something I'd expect from you" she says, with a little distaste. She keeps me on the path. I have two other men who I also rely on. One is my professional and personal guide and the other helps me navigate relationship issues and helps me with codependency, which he and I share as an additional malady.
Having people who know me well enough, love me enough, and are comfortable enough with me to risk the relationship and tell me what they really think of my thoughts and behavior has been the mortar that holds the bricks (steps and stepwork) in place throughout my sobriety, and I would truly be lost without them.
The key here has been allowing these people to get to know me well enough to help me see my own truth. Number One is my wife - she knows me so well, that when I stray off the spiritual path, she's the first to see it. "That's not something I'd expect from you" she says, with a little distaste. She keeps me on the path. I have two other men who I also rely on. One is my professional and personal guide and the other helps me navigate relationship issues and helps me with codependency, which he and I share as an additional malady.
Having people who know me well enough, love me enough, and are comfortable enough with me to risk the relationship and tell me what they really think of my thoughts and behavior has been the mortar that holds the bricks (steps and stepwork) in place throughout my sobriety, and I would truly be lost without them.
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