Keeping My World Small

It's very easy for me to keep a "small world". By that, I mean, not truly living life... not socializing, seeing the world, or being true to myself. I used to use alcohol and drugs as an excuse and as a means of not allowing my world and my life to grow fully. Mostly this was due to my fear of truly becoming who I really am, acting out my life based on what I believe in and who I wish to be.

Well, despite years of work and sobriety, one thing that hasn't truly left me yet is that fear. I still keep a fairly small world, but the means for hiding out is no longer alcohol and drugs, therefore I can keep the appearance to the outside world of a full life while I hide away, playing video games, watching TV, staying at home with my wife and dog.

I've come up with plenty of excuses not to venture forth, despite the fact that I am one of the most social people I know... I really love people, love talking to them, getting to know them, and inviting them into my life, but I have hidden behind weight gain, work, and computer games to avoid having too many things to do. I'm always "too tired" or embarrassed of my weight to go do social things. The real reason: I have fear.

My wife and I recently began working with a personal trainer. I am beginning the work of removing all the excuses I have used to avoid living a full life. I have decided it is time to dive in, to shed my fear, to plunge the depths of who I truly am, and become that person and live that life. It is only then, when I am truly living, that I can truly call myself sober. I have much to do... I have so many behaviors to change! Constantly striving to become my truth is a worthy pursuit. I put it down for a long, long time, but it is time again to take up the yoke and plow ahead to a truer, better, fuller future. I am on the journey. I hope to meet you on the road!